FLOGGING WITH FRIENDS: TESTING THE KINK WATERS

**FULL DISCLOSURE: The following post contains some graphic and intimate sexual details. For those readers who know me/us in real life and don’t care to know us that well, skip it. Otherwise, proceed at your own psychological risk.**

When we started this new lifestyle, I don’t think either of us knew where exactly it would lead us. We had a general idea: meet people, make friends, have some great sex, learn some new things about ourselves. One fun thing we’ve both discovered is an interest in kink.

You heard me. Kink. K-I-N-K.

I have had some experience with soft kink, like most people. A little light spanking here and there, hands bound, blindfolded. I thought I was pretty adventurous and experienced. But it was nothing that I or anyone I had been with, ever thought to explore further or take to the next level.

Enter Rose and Corey.

Rose, you may remember, was the first woman my husband went on a date with. He knew she was into BDSM and even had a dungeon in her living room. Naturally, his interest was piqued. As I learned more about her secondhand, so was my own. Kink aside, she sounded like a cool lady. We had a lot in common. Her husband had also contacted me, and we got along pretty well, too. Well, we got along just fine over texts, at least. We decided to go on a double-date with them. It was nothing special; just drinks and karaoke at a local bar. I was totally down for it.

I can’t resist drunken crooning of overplayed songs.

I was nervous and excited at the same time. Would they like me? How was I going to feel meeting the woman my husband had a sexual interest in? Were we going to awkwardly mumble our way through this date like the last double-date we went on? I had no idea what to expect, but I had my husband as a sort of safety blanket, so I knew it was going to be okay regardless of the conclusion.

We arrived at the bar a few minutes earlier than they did, and stood around in the parking lot, anxiously waiting. I know I was nervous, because I was babbling on about Charles Manson. I have absolutely no idea what got me going on the topic of serial killers, but there I was, just rambling on. My husband was a good enough sport to play along. I think he knew how tightly wound I was, and probably kept me talking to keep me from going full-introvert and just withdrawing completely into myself.

Finally, headlights flashed across us. I caught a glimpse of a big red flower nestled into short dark hair as the car swung into the parking spot next to us. They had arrived. Out of the car stepped a short, curvy woman that looked like a cross between a Suicide Girl and a biker. She was adorable as she said, “Hi,” and gave me a hug. Corey shook hands with the husband and me, and the four of us walked into the bar together. I won’t bore you with details of the night. We had quite a few drinks, we sang a few songs, and we had a great time. I was instantly at ease with Rose and Corey and felt like I had known them for years. They reminded me of old friends I had left behind when we moved halfway across the country, and I was hoping to see them again.

A couple of weeks later, we did meet up with Rose and Corey again. We gathered together at the same bar and had a couple of drinks. This time, however, instead of hanging around all night and singing karaoke, we went back to their place. We had discussed it beforehand, talking about the various things we were interested in and wanted to check out. I was excited to see Rose’s dungeon. Corey was into fire cupping, and I was hoping to try it. So we paid our tabs and headed to their home. Hubby drove with Rose and I rode with Corey.

The ride was a little awkward for me. I’m not great with small talk, and I didn’t know if I should talk about the things we were about to do. I wanted to play it cool so I didn’t come off as a total newbie. You tie people up? Yawn. An assortment of paddles and whips? Whatever. Oh, a St. Andrew’s cross? Psshht…. I had tested one of those out at a strip club in New Orleans. No big deal.

A more intense version of the one I experienced…

When we arrived at their home, way out at the end of a dark country road, we sat around talking and laughing while Corey played bartender. The conversation flip-flopped between Disney princesses and flogs, rock bands and nipple clamps, work woes and Domination. I won’t lie, some of the details of that night are little hazy. Between the alcohol and the general nervousness and excitement, a lot of it went by in a blur. At some point, Rose slipped out of her “vanilla” clothes and into nothing but a maxi dress. They showed off their vast array of whips, paddles, and flogs. I was itching to try them out, but I didn’t want to push it. Corey had broken out his “violet wand,” which is essentially a device that has various attachments to achieve different electrical sensations.

It totally looks this cool in real life, too.

 Before I knew it, Rose was down to nothing but her undies, lying on what looked like a massage table while Corey demonstrated his toy on her. Speaking calmly and fluidly, he showed us what each attachment did, how the intensity level could be adjusted, talking as if he was just giving a report on that day’s weather. Meanwhile, Rose jumped and twitched and writhed and moaned as he ran the tips down her stomach, across her thighs, touching her nipples and underarms and sides and feet. He gave her a metal bar to hold in her hand and invited us to run our hands over her body. Not quite touching her, we could feel the electricity, like when you rub your feet over carpet and touch a metal doorknob. Again, she jumped and twitched wherever the spark made contact with her body. It was amazing! They asked us if we wanted to try it.

I stripped down to my panties and climbed up on the table. Rose took over for Corey, which I didn’t mind. Something about female solidarity and all of that, I suppose. I heard the hum of the electricity as she fired up the wand. I tensed, completely unaware of what I was in for. I know I hate it whenever I get a static electricity shock, and I imagined this would be ten times worse, at minimum. Rose asked me if I was ready, and I said yes with a nervous grin on my face. She laid the wand to my stomach and…..nothing. Nada. Zip. I didn’t feel a damn thing.

Wah wah waahhhhh…..

Rose cranked the intensity up and….still not much. Up another notch, and I felt a little something. She kept turning it up until finally I felt it. It was like a single fingernail drawing itself down my thigh...my stomach…across my nipples…not an entirely unpleasant feeling. In fact, at some points it even tickled, and I found myself giggling and squirming on the table. It was fun! At some point, I’d like to revisit it with a little bit higher intensity, just to see if those tickles might turn into something else.

Rose sat me up on the table to let myself get oriented before moving around too much. The men went into the bedroom to look at more of our hosts’ collection of toys (it seemed never-ending!) while Rose and I chatted. She said, “I’m going to make out with you now,” slipped a hand around the back of my neck and kissed me. My hands slid around her as I kissed her back, eagerly. She was pretty good at this kissing thing! We went at it for a few minutes before she moved her mouth to my ear and said, “I’m going to keep you.” I was totally okay with that.

After composing myself and slipping into a dress that Rose lent me (getting dressed and undressed is so hard sometimes), hubby decided he would like to try being whipped a little. He had asked me if I would be willing to try to and top him (be Dominant) prior to this night, but through this experience I’ve discovered I really like being a submissive. Like, really…really…REALLY…like it. A whole lot. Way more than I thought I would. So I told him that I didn’t know if I could. I felt a little silly just thinking about it. He was okay with that, so this was his chance to maybe see how the other half lives. Rose was happy to oblige.

Step right up…

 He leaned against the St. Andrews Cross, shirtless, as Rose started flogging him. She started out gently at first, checking in with him to see how each hit felt. She gradually turned up the heat on each stroke, the thud-crack sound getting louder and louder. He really seemed to be enjoying himself, and I was having fun watching it all go down. At one point, he made the mistake of asking Rose if that was the best she could do. Whoops. She responded in kind, giving him one last cracking snap across his back. He didn’t question her again.

Next up on the naughty-time fun list: fire cupping! This was what I had been waiting for. I am a sucker for massages. I could spend hours with someone rubbing my whole body down and gladly die of starvation in the process. I knew what fire cupping was, but had never experienced it firsthand. For those that don’t know (and are too rapt by my story to take time out to Google it), essentially it is taking what look like small goldfish bowls, lighting the inside on fire with some kind of fuel – usually alcohol – and placing it on the body. The heat creates a suction that pulls the skin into the glass, stimulating blood flow to the area and generally causing a warm, tugging sensation. Admittedly, it looked painful, and the after-effects are not exactly aesthetically pleasing.

See? Not a very pretty sight, is it?

Nevertheless, I went for it. Back up on the table, I lay face down while Corey brought out his kit. He had done this a few times, it looked like. I trusted he knew what he was doing, and he did not disappoint. It’s hard to describe the feeling. It’s incredibly relaxing and a little bit painful. There was a little bit of pinching at times, but for the most part, it just felt incredibly soothing. Every time I moved even the slightest bit, I could hear the glasses clinking against each other and it gave me a little bit of a start each time. But I was relaxed…so very relaxed…and then Corey decided to slide a couple around. Now, some people may like this sensation. I, personally, did not. It hurt me quite a bit. But I bit my tongue and bore through it. The ensuing endorphin rush was like a high, and I rode out the rest of the experience on that.

After the fire cupping, we sat around talking about different kinds of toys and devices we could try in the future. They broke out a couple of different nipple clamps and I discovered that I have incredibly tough nipples. There is nothing I love more right in the middle of sex than to have my partner pinch and squeeze my nipples as hard as they can. I’ve even been brought to orgasm by that alone. So I was definitely excited to try clamps. They sound like they might hurt, but oh no. Not in the least. There was one kind that looked like a rectangular vise. Corey tightened that one on me pretty hard, and it didn’t do much. The pincer clamps, however…

Thanks for the assist, Mr. Takei…

Anyway, the night was winding down. I had to work in the morning and we were facing almost an hour driving back home. We gathered ourselves, got dressed, and proceeded to the door. Rose stopped me and kissed me again while the men stood around awkwardly waiting for it to end. I then went over and kissed Corey goodnight as hubby did the same with Rose. All I can say is if Rose and Corey were competing for “Best Kiss,” he would have won it hands down. Wow.

We walked away from that night with more curiosity and an even bigger desire to explore the kink world a little more. The hubby and Rose have discussed doing a “scene” together (a BDSM term for what the people involved want to experience and how it will happen). I’m currently thinking of a scene I’d like to do with Corey. They are our guides, our kink gurus, and we are both eager and anxious to explore with them. More than that, they are just cool fucking people that we want to hang out with, naked or not.

Preferably naked, though. 

Maybe naked gaming. Because how freakin’ awesome would that be?!?

The moment it became ok

I’m at a conference out of town at the moment, in a hotel with no wireless in the rooms unless you want to pay 15 bucks a day (apparently the $200 a night can’t cover the cost), and my lab group are either A) in their rooms having called it quits at 8:00pm or B) made plans without consulting me. Oh, and for some reason the lobby, where the WiFi is free, has the air conditioning blowing in the middle of December, and I’m right under a vent. So, why not write a blog post about ethical non-monogamy? Why not, indeed.

Of course, all the pictures will have to be SFW. So here's a kitty. 

My initial post may have made it seem like, after the “Three Bottle Night,” I was completely on board and ready to jump into this thing. That may have been a slight exaggeration for the sake of dramatic flow. The reality is that, when I got up and went to work the next day, a lot of the same concerns had started to come back. I wanted to make things work with the wife’s plans to open up our marriage, but could I really do this? Could I really deal with her being with another man? I wanted to think that I could, and it had all seemed so doable the night before. But that didn’t change the fact that the nervous feelings were here, and I would need to sort them out before I proceeded. And, of course, I did what people who are nervous in these situations do, I found some falsehoods to which to cling.

Maybe she only really wanted to date women? I could deal with that. It’s kind of stupid that I would feel that way, but I’ve come to understand this is a pretty standard reaction among men. Women still fall in love with other women, but for some reason it doesn’t feel as threatening as other men. I guess it’s just a primal male thing. Stay off of my woman. Ugh ugh. *caveman sounds*

Or, maybe we would just date as a couple? You know, swinging. Group stuff. That sort of thing. That would be ok. It could even be pretty fun. I mean, who doesn’t fantasize about that? And then I can keep an eye on her and end it if it starts to feel like she’s more into the other people than me.

Cling to that life raft, buddy.

I tried to discuss some of these concerns with my wife that night, and that was when she made the second awesome choice in this process: she didn’t let me hang on to my delusions. Did she want to date other men? Sure. She mostly was curious about seeing women, but she wasn’t going to rule out seeing men either. Well, but, what about dating? Just group stuff, right? No, not that either. We could start out that way if it made me more comfortable, but the time would come when one or both of us might want to date solo (little did I know it would be me, but that’s a topic for a previous post,) and ultimately she didn’t want to put any barriers on the future. That was a big thing, and something that I would recommend to other couples thinking about exploring this: don’t put up unnecessary barriers before you even begin. By all means communicate and determine what you can both handle, but be open to that changing in the future as well. One of the first instincts most couples who are getting into this have is to generate a bunch of rules, and one of the first things that happens when you tell people who have been doing this for a while about your rules is that they will smile knowingly, if not laugh out loud. Because really, the people that make it work almost exclusively cut it down to as few rules as possible. The wife and I aren’t QUITE there yet, but I think we’d both like to get to a point where we had only 4 rules:

1. Be safe
2. Our family comes first (not a rule for some Poly couples, but one we both believe in strongly.)
3. Communicate
4. If they don’t read, don’t fuck ‘em (again, not a rule for everybody, but seriously who wants to sleep with some dumb-dumb?)

So I was a little put off by her no-longer coddling me, but it was really the shot of cold water to the face that I needed at the time. I think the worst thing I could have done was to go in with some illusions about what would be going on down the line. She was willing to work with me (I have to emphasize this,) but she didn’t want me to have something false in my mind that, when revealed later, would make me feel betrayed or tricked. And, ultimately, she tried to get me to stop for a moment and look at the positives, since I was focusing too much on the negative possible outcomes. And, ultimately, that helped to lead me out of the funk.

But that didn’t make it immediately easier. I went to bed that night still pretty worried about the future, and did a bit more pacing and fretting the next day. Until, of course, the moment that I was referring to with the title of this post occurred. I had sat down and started looking through Craigslist Casual Encounters before shutting it off in disgust and horror when a thought occurred to me. I don’t know what reminded me of this, but I started to remember an old fantasy of mine. It was very specific: I wanted to go running with a woman or work out at the gym and then, sweaty and exhausted, fall into a pile with her and have sex. Gross, post-workout sex. Quit judging me. I don’t know why this turns me on, but it totally does. My best guess is that it’s related to a “Hard Bodies” issue of Playboy my dad had when I was in my teens.

This would be a picture of the cover, but I'm in a hotel lobby, remember? So here's a bunny.

Anyway, this was a fantasy I had more or less written off as “never going to happen.” But, all of a sudden, it hit me that this was no longer the case. Admittedly, I would have to find someone else that was also into this (extremely specific) fantasy, but it was BACK ON THE TABLE. It was possible! And all the other weird shit my subconscious didn’t really want to admit it was into was ALSO back on the table. Group sex? It was possible! BDSM? Possible! Sado-Masochism?Why not? POSSIBLE! Or, in the non-sex realm, I could find another hardcore gamer (my wife tries, but she’ll be first to admit that some of the rules of stuff I’m into make her head spin.) Or someone else who I can’t even think of yet who would enrich my life in ways I couldn’t currently imagine!

And that’s the point, people. The sex is cool and all, but if that was all that was involved in this it wouldn’t be worth the time or effort, because open marriage isn’t easy. My wife and I almost never fight, but there have been a number of “tense conversations” that have occurred as a direct result of our opening up. If you’re doing this for the right reasons, however, it’s worth the trouble. You’re not trying to replace something that’s missing in your relationship, but the new people in your life can complement what you already have. And I’ll be honest with you: this was an entirely selfish moment for me. Yes, my wife was going to get the same benefits from this, but for the first time I let myself think about how this could be awesome for ME.

And that’s another point of all this: rediscovering independence in your relationship. I’m a person that will absolutely lose myself in the person I’m with, but suddenly I found myself feeling like I did for the period between my first marriage and when I met my current wife. I’ll probably discuss this more in a future post, but it felt inexplicably good to be back on the hunt for prospective partners on my own, mostly because it put me back in the mindset of thinking, from time to time, about myself first (within reason of course, love you honey.)

And just like that, it started to be ok. Maybe I just needed a carrot dangling in front of me, but I started to really think “Huh, this could actually work.” There was still work to do, of course. That visceral gut reaction to men who aren’t me touching my wife was still not under control, so I had a lot of mental exercises and visualization to do before I could get a handle on that. But I was on the path at last. And if you are a person who is considering this type of relationship with your significant other, I encourage you to look for the positives as well. You might be surprised how open to ethical nonmonogamy you can be. And to celebrate here’s a picture of some raunchy BDSM hentai.

Just kidding, it's a puppy.