THE ROAD SO FAR…

(Bonus points if you get the title reference)

So how did I find myself, a married mom of 3, writing a blog post on the eve of my husband’s first date with another woman? Well, I’m not quite sure myself, but let’s explore, shall we?

Yep, looks like we’re ready to go!

I’ve always been a sexual person.  I lost my virginity at a relatively young age, and throughout my teenage years and early 20’s, I found myself with a succession of numerous partners. It was never anything I felt ashamed of. I never felt dirty or like a “slut,” as women are taught to think of themselves when they enjoy lots of sex. I was always of the mind that if all were consenting and no one was getting hurt, then it was okay. Sex was great! It was amazing, it felt wonderful, and I enjoyed having many different partners, but I was always monogamous. I only had one relationship, whether it was exclusively sexual or involved feelings, at a time. But there were many. Oh, so many.

This may be a slight exaggeration…

When I was 20, I met a man that I consider my first “real” relationship. For two fun, exciting, adventurous years, we lived and loved together. He and his circle of friends were similarly-minded when it came to love, sex, and relationships. On occasion, we would have parties where some of us girls would make out and it was no big deal. Sex acts would be performed in front of others, some people in the group had dated others, and they all still remained very close friends. They were so casual about their bodies and their sexuality. There was no drama, no jealousy. It was wonderfully freeing. It opened my mind to a world bigger than the one I had known, and I was hooked. I had done things that I had never thought I would or could do. And I found a family of friends that continues with me to this day. Alas, all good things must come to an end.

Exactly.

 When that relationship ended, I began another that led to marriage, children and after 4 years of shit, divorce. He was controlling and jealous. He made me feel bad for doing anything without him. I used to play softball on Friday nights with some friends, and afterward we would grab a beer or two before heading home. I was always given a guilt trip and made to feel like a bad wife and mother for doing that. He cheated on me. To this day, I don’t know if he was ever actually physically with anyone, but there was a lot of infidelity online and through email messages. One was with woman he had previously worked with…while I was pregnant with our second child…and working full time while he was unemployed and sitting on his ass all day.

*Not his real name

When that marriage ended, I resigned myself to being single.

Maybe “resigned” isn’t the right word; too many negative connotations. I was completely content to be a single mom and just date around. It was how I pictured the rest of my life, and I was at peace with that. In fact, it was a lot of fun! I really enjoyed having multiple “no-strings attached” relationships. The men I was seeing were fun and interesting, but there was never any emotional component to it. I had sex and companionship on my terms, when I needed it, without any pressure of what the future held. It was incredibly liberating! I was free to explore my own sexuality. I even began perusing the online profiles of lesbian and bisexual women. I was open to anything. I was going to take control of my life, my relationships, my sexuality, and no one was going to tell me what was right or wrong. To hell with society and it’s Puritanical standards of love!!

I AM A FIERCE, INDEPENDENT, FEMINIST WOMAN!!

Enter stage right: my husband. He was the opposite of me in so many ways.

He was a runner.

 I was a firm believer that one should run only if one is being chased.

He wasn’t a smoker.

I could have put chimneys to shame.

He didn’t have children.

I did. And sometimes they really sucked.

He was pursuing his PhD at a big university.

I was a high school dropout with a GED working on a 2-year associate’s degree at a community college.

 On paper, it should have never worked. But I figured, “What the hell? It’s a night out, so let’s do it.”

Well said, Mr. President.

Five and a half years later, here we are - happily married, with another child, living life and loving each other deeply. He is my best friend, my equal partner in all things. We have a wonderful marriage, we rarely fight, and we communicate very well. He does his part taking care of the kids and cooking and doing housework. Our sex life is fun and exciting and fulfilling. I can honestly say that this is the most satisfying, rewarding, and healthy relationship I have ever had in my life. At the risk of sounding conceited, I think I have the kind of marriage that people so desperately long for. So why open the marriage if things are so great?

Don’t worry, this was my reaction too.

For one thing, although I have had sexual experiences with women, I always thought it was just silly, sometimes drunken, fun. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that my attraction to women isn’t just a fluke. I finally had to admit and accept that, yes, I am bisexual. It was this realization that led me to considering other forms of relationships. In my daily life, at work and outside of work, I had met men and women that I connected with, was attracted to, but always had that thought of, “If only I wasn’t married.” I began to question it. Who says marriage excludes physical intimacy with other people? I don’t recall my marriage vows saying anything about being attracted to and having sex with only my husband for the rest of my life. It doesn’t seem feasible. Why should I have to choose between a physical desire and my marriage? Is this normal? Does everybody feel this way or am I just severely psychologically fucked up and don’t realize it? I began to do some research. To the Google!!

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY GOOGLE!

From there, I was led to a book called Opening Up:  A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino. As I read it, I was struck by how much I related to it. I was moved, sometimes to tears, by how much it sounded like what was in my head. Finally, there was a way to explain my incredibly conflicted thoughts and feelings! It talked about how monogamy is a relatively modern concept constructed largely by religion and adopted by society. It described how some people may be psychologically “wired” to be polyamorous and find it difficult and unsatisfying to be forced into monogamous relationships. It was incredibly forceful in its insistence that ABOVE ALL ELSE, COMMUNICATION IS CRITICAL. I was excited and scared, wondering how in the hell I was going to broach this subject with my husband. I struggled with my approach. No time ever seemed like the right time. He is relatively inexperienced, at least compared to me, in the relationship department. I am only the third woman he’s been with. He was raised in a fairly traditional Midwestern home. Both of his parents are still married. I had absolutely no idea how he would take it. I imagined he would either be staunchly opposed and our marriage would be forever marred, or he would be totally on board, but with the condition that only threesomes with another woman.

Honestly, this was the response I was expecting.

And that was if things went well.

Finally, he kind of forced me into it. He had gotten online to use my Amazon account to order something and had seen Opening Up in my recent purchases. After a couple of days of self-torture, he told me that we needed to talk. After the kids went to bed, we went out on our patio and over many hours and many bottles of wine, we talked. We talked about my bisexuality, my desire to have sexual relationships with others (both men and women), my feelings for him and our marriage. He opened up about some of the sexual interests he had that I wasn’t aware of, his concerns about opening our marriage. It was very difficult and frightening discussion, but it was also wonderful. We were communicating in a way we hadn’t done since our early dating days. We ended the night a little drunk and having great sex that started under the moonlight and continued on into the house. We felt closer to each other than we had in a long, long time.

Like this, only we are way, WAY better looking

than these pathetic models. Pshh.

And here we are. Tomorrow, my husband will go on his first date with a woman who is also in an open marriage. I will be home with the kids. Maybe we’ll have pizza and play Uno. And when he gets home, I’ll give him a kiss and ask him how it went. We’ll talk, maybe watch an episode of Jeopardy, and then go to bed together, like the old married couple we are.